October died today. I always knew this day would come, but I didn't think it would hurt as badly as it did. When I came home from work today, Mom had told me he wasn't looking too good. I looked around in our backyard for him, but he wasn't there, so I figured he was at Lynn's, and that I'd play with him later, and I went to sleep. When I woke up Mom told me he was dead. I felt so trapped afterwards; I couldn't really cry properly and I had absolutely no one to confide in (go figure Ken's gone when I really need to blab to him Dx). And a part of me is angry that Mom didn't wake me up when she brought him inside to give him a bath before he died, and a part of me just wants something to blame, but I think I'm just mad at myself for not taking the chance to play with him while I could

Afterwards, Mom and I took his body to this pet clinic to have him cremated, and the whole time I just kept thinking 'Oh my God, I can't believe we're taking him here, I can't believe we're leaving him at a place like this.' I cried my face off the whole way back.